In 2011 my heart was broken... despite any cliche term it serves as a way by Which to paint the correct image.
although not by any traditional way you might envision-
no boy meets Girl
they fall in love,
boy betrays girl,
Chaos Ensues and boy loses girl...
Moreso, the story was one of A lack of courage. the courage it takes to be a man. to stand Up for what you love.
to back Up your inflated claims of ability.
To dig deep to show up for all you swore..
to be accountable for the seeds you sow...stand beside your loved one when those seeds Are too soon unearthed,
when near death tragedy precipitates profound loss-
... Does a real man abandon responsibility?
To promises spoken and Unspoken?
Or does he remain safely displaced, in insulated disgrace,
missing in action while his counterpart faction- suffers under the weight of tremendous pain?
while she was leaving what she began to regard as her only true spiritual home - Ejected by perceived family, with no plea of insanity- for an inability to pay for mistakes...
does a man allow himself to fall apart, expect her to piece together his emotional baggage, to pack it back up neatly to be tagged and checked..?
yes it has been years since this all transpired.
And all these questions ive previously answered,
finding resolution in myself.
finding forgiveness in my owning of the threads,
And lost and found,
Id knotted them all long ago.
released from all suffering and ego..
Yet still i question my sense of a man.
i lack trust and no longer lust for the intimacy that once defined my balance.
No matter how many times the soundtrack is played, the song remains the same.
No matter how the plot is reimagined,
the story always ends the same.
Despite the questions posed in vain,
The answer forever bares his name.
my love lost continues to hold space- no matter how much ive released in grace.
What i will never know - i accept in love.
in honour of my mended heart,
i strive through art to fully be, a wholly healed, forgiven she.
And while i suffer still with a physical bane and the medicine holds no answer for my pain.
Each time the test results come in,
i wonder and relive all over again,
Through the scars and the nights of love under the stars,
through the out of focus rearview...across a questioning horizon...
i ask , what does it mean to be a man?
But so what?
Pieces broken never mended.
Heart marred and faith scarred,
So fucking what.
what could he have offered to ease the loss, could he have honoured me,
Could he have brought back what I lost?
could his strength have carried 'we' during times when i was too weak to carry just Me?
The answer lays in the reality that I've never been too weak.
Battered and bloody and emptied out by tools, double my weight on my back,
Stuck at the border and in vulnerable disorder,
And Nearly escaping abduction,
alone and atoned I warriored back to the place where I began.
Ill never know more than I know now.
Regardless of how clear the answers are.
Ill never discern what I might have learned if my heart was not burned by your corwardice.