Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Are you ok?

Someone asks,

The answer is not clear, and a decisive
"Yeah" .. Is easiest to reply.

Ok is a nice abstract and non descript way to define the present I suppose.
Death can do that, obliterate what you thought you knew,
what you held in importance,
how you carried yourself through your days...
and through the grief and mourning of all that follows a passing,
strength comes from strange places, deep places,
places you forgot existed for it is so very rare you must call upon the highest level of courage and fortitude to help carry the burden of sorrow for many, as well as yourself.
death is a mirror to your own soul.
it exposes all our weaknesses and exemplifies the nature of existence,
sometimes harshly, abruptly, dramatically and unforgivingly.
and we look into that mirror to see all of what we have, all the gifts and the love and the gratitude that flows from reflection= is vast.
Death came weeks ago, and I've come out of the last two +weeks feeling changed.
Perspectives erased and expanded
Realities challenged
Patterns repeated and proven the same but different
Opened a new way of seeing myself
And my purpose in this short stint in this time and place.
Elongated certain beliefs about humanity and its over abundance of selfishness , of generosity..of love.
Countered my own reach with withdrawal...
Tested former fallacy and forgotten reason, to find the answer remains the same.
It's only the soundtrack that changes..
If we move in the world the same way continuously - or continuously represent a never changing view- adaptation is a never ceasing challenge.
The challenge is perpetual reinvention,
Spiritual and emotional innovation with an intellectual wingman...leads the way to mindful moment to moment evolution of character -
Not changing who I am,
But aligning with the flow of often erratic emotion,
Rolling with the unpredictable hours...
To live with no fear is to give fearlessly.
Come tragedy or triumph - shining relentless affirmations.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

8.28.13
7:15pm

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Spontaneous affirmations vol.22

I allow myself to be vulnerable. Just as the fear always rises; I harness its energy as a warrior, my victories are fuelled by fear, just as my failures are recognized as beauty.

I recognize my failures and celebrate them with equal measure to my successes. I find clarity in the knowing that while I may not always succeed, every effort is a win in the battle for conscious courage.

I am brave in the moments that matter most, a difficult decision that effects my sense of self. The trying moments in which I am tested by temptation, clear in the notion that the difference between action and failure to launch, is simple decisiveness. My decisions define my character and I make them wholeheartedly with my greatest good in mind.

I live on the goodness that surrounds me, seeing beauty in all things that are. Knowing that even in heartbreak, even in pain and in loss - there is purity and light in that darkness, that with awareness is transformed from pain.
I am light.

I trust all the pain that I'm given, through agony and tragedy -I maintain
A full- hearted notion of freedom and the faith that it takes to face pain.
I am invincible when I am mindful, let each incident be not just a drain, on my will or my want to continue - and when i must rise up and accept my banes,  I am fearless and faithful, and loving- transformed by each wonderful gain.

I am freedom. Free like the wind and boundless as the sea. Liberated by my fusion with nature, I breathe into the flow of the wind and it moves through me, each part of me hoisted up and carried along by our union.

I am vulnerable - strongwilled and with a heart forged from delicate openness.
Courageous and fearless i allow myself to be open, My vulnerability is a superpower.



8.8.13 11:11am

Sunday, August 4, 2013

renditions of self in a shared vision of understanding.

The vision shared by those who stand beside one another, when is it the same?
What fosters alignment?
Is there opportunity to be separate in values and unified in nature?
For years I carried the understanding that despite the differences in perspective and perhaps even priorities, fundamental - two could stand alongside in the world- empowering each to each - disallowing the differences to become a barrier to synergy.
I believed that opportunity layed waiting in opposites.
Or perhaps it was a fool's delusion, the notion of neither being needing to compromise individual ideals...
The instances in which I have been
Shown the clearest reality, have always been those by which I have put aside my fear and stepped forward in the dark- poised for disappointment yet with a nimble hopefulness that my own
Adaptability could bridge the gaps caused by irreconcilable difference.
It became though, the long way to learning, the forfeit of freedom of being at ease with who I am.
Adaptability is a beautiful ability,
But must be cared for with delicate discerning, lest it becomes a liability.
Personal growth is a great and worthy mission, undertaken consciously and nourished by mastery of understanding that alone we are our most statically beautiful rendition of self,-
- coupled, we become (without caution) distorted beauty.
Allowances for ourselves must be made at any onset of a new journey- to create space for the individual flourish, without such stipulated standards it becomes simple to give up our dreams.
I've only ever experienced relationships that have impeded my personal growth - stifled my capacities to rise, to colourfully fulfill my evolution.
Always my healing is sidelined by issues and emotional bait, cast out by those who ought have loved me and accepted my uniqueness bar none.
The reality of human connection is muddied by the ego's great need, to be at the centre of worship and receive its unvenerable stroke.
A long winded explanation perhaps for something that's simple indeed, the notion of shared hearted values-
and the profound inexcusable deeds of a heart that's been broken and battered and in spite...it rises up tall from its knees -
( which habitually have preferred the grounding of being martyr and victim to please.)
The lesson it comes now with the short road and with listening for the whisper of instinct.
I know all the terms of endearment and decipher the code of what's real - and when it comes to the language of intimacy it's as if you must by default feel - as if your own values come second and compromised versions of virtue are acceptable expressions of devotion - when down in the core of your being you're seeking a partner that's real; and understands the best dynamic, is one that's a mutually kept promise to nurture your blossoming and foster your dreams and grow separately alongside your own evolution -complementing each others skill for respecting personal freedom;
And without that, knowing union is an impossibility.
So I've been guilty of disregarding my inner knowing and misrepresenting my level of need. And playing down feelings of pain - but the righteous get second chances when the righteousness comes not of ego.
I still believe just the same as always, in what love is, and in how it can show you the way...without becoming a way to escape.
to be a torch and not an ephemeral flicker- to endure, to be, not in the shadow of a partner.
to challenge the patriarchal, the matriarchal, the societal, the traditional and the typical - i love indeed. but ultimately my love is for me, and i must cease seeking external outlets to fill.
i well deserve my own full heart.
so the answer then, after all the questioning ( not that it ever ceases ) is that in the greatest of romantic ideals, we are one but not merged. the same but not identical, shared but not without unique perspective. yes, you can grow together without fusion.
if we look in the same direction and dream together of a better world, for each other and the collective all, we shall thrive.







Sacred spaces, endless graces, unfamiliar places, when timeerasesnomemory.

The sacredness of our own singular bodies, is a lesser understood dynamic than that of
Intimacy between two.
...the dance of harmony, grace, memory,
Openness, like a witness beckoning permission to engage -
... I lay down for you,
Vulnerable,
Naked,
Without expectation of inevitable occurrence - and you come: like a fierce tide, crashing against the walls of my space - sanctuary besieged.
My presence is a simple silhouette, as I strive to breathe into a rhythm that will ensue only by shared understanding...
- but will miss a beat without mutual pitch.
The soundtrack plays an immediate switch...
Starts soft and modest, acoustic, melodic,
I accept your touch,
Hands hot,
Circling around my lotus,
Beckoning it to blossom,
Welcome you into its wild, and ecstatic wisdom.
If I allow a union, will it be as such ?
Or instead an individualized experience- disassociated from oneness, moreover a solo-act; exploiting my temple as but an object to fulfill a selfish and primal agenda.
The sacredness of my space holds no externalized motive,
it beckons only to be honoured.
The motive of my heart, is to preserve its sanctity.
The sanctity of my body, is a well learned lesson.
Hard earned blessing from past betrayal.
Two years is a vast lifetime, by the measure of the heart.
...The healing brings down walls,
Yet the community remains gated.
grace is a quality, in intimacy, underrated.
Still the soundtrack becomes jazz - unpredictable and without a constant flow, no fusion to lend to your ears the intrinsic healing quality of sound.
My thoughts resonate : If your words mirrored your truth, your actions would align.
Possibility, persuasion and an unanswered promise-
though I said I knew your motives, my perspective was entwined;
by too much loneliness,
not enough emptiness...
& Maybe I was wrong,
Yet Still you were blessed,

In the pivotal moment -I looked up, my eyes told the story,
though you then moved away - the passion did not sway.
despite my lack of surprise,
It is quite doubtful you realized,
The opportunity was arise-
To integrate vs. consummate
Elevate vs. extricate, all the visceral products of your lust.
The moment; well, it could have been ascension.
instead the moment for me, another lesson, the moment for me, it was a weapon-
A warrior's chance to flip scripts.
A manifested vision to shift, all the patterns and habits and roles that saw my former self's virtue unfold-
Unto an absent will. The gift of me given unto to a spirit, ill.

It was Empowering to allow your touch but remain contained and sustained, be not an instant instrument for pleasure,
not a casualty for what could be,
nor product of my lust.
Restraint is a practice of the bodhisattva,
Its yield is the reward of self respect.

I'm alive without validation from the hand of another.
I survive, through the knowing that my will sustains its steadfast aim,
and though I slip sometimes in private,
an instance in the presence of another:
Reveals the keynote.

In the aftermath of a trial tryst,
I stand unwavering,
revirginized,
galvanized
and uncompromised.
I am no one's object,
Not an ideal,
Not a mystery to be solved,
Or a one-off conquest,
Or a dime a dozen climax on any random night.
I am pure and Uncharted terrain;
...only to be blazed by the warrior whose spirit defines, all the beauty i strive to be in finest moments.



-for D.
(But mostly, for me.)
sunday, august 4th, 2013. 1:22am












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