today, i remembered, as i felt myself get all hot and wonderful, the endorphins swirling 'round after the first post-recovery workout... running and warrior squats, pushups, headstands, and a few pullups, in the playground around the corner,....music blasting in my ears....breath hot in my lungs,
it became clear again; why it was
that i first became so obsessed with training &the gym.
it wasnt solely about my warped
self perception back then, more
than that, it was the freedom and mindfulness and escape, found during that time of
disciplined exertion of so much physical energy.
that is why i loved it, the love affair ensued as i discovered i could lose, and find myself, all in the same place whilst furiously expending my energy.
...that crazyfireykundalinicreativeenergy... that stormed inside of me, creating so much restlessness, and need for action and movement and creation...
this notion is near to the heart of my biggest lesson lately too, which is learning to appreciate and flourish in stillness... something that i still yet struggle with, which given our culture, is not uncommon, but still creates much unrest in those of us who over-examine its effects.
i recorded a random stream of consciousness type video that briefly touched on this idea - back in oct. the concept of discovering stillness and singleminded focus and peace, in the art of movement, and as i found myself in the centre of such need for stillness...for ar.t inmotion to become still remains what feels like a foreign concept...
to further articulate the concept of motion and meditation... take running for example; pounding the pavement, our lungs full of fire; a place where we are forced to focus, on the simple task of breathing.
all other thoughts vanish, save for that primal need to just breathe. so perhaps it is the act of doing that we discover the concept of being. the energy of meditation is mindfulness, presence, awareness and concentration and allowing... yet finding it the art of doing over being seems to contrary to its essence, yet for someone with a mind that moves non-stop, ever-producing ideas, and creative plans and an excess of philosophical notion, it makes sense.
learning to channel so
much kinetic energy while being still, is an incomparably difficult task. one that can transmute into madness if not properly managed.
there is very little that occurs in our waking hours, that requires no energy burning...near all we do expends energy; and cultural influence aside,
simply as creative, problem solving beings, we are consistently
putting out, putting out, putting out...
perhaps because....its safe in that place, in that mode, in the constant release of
energy, through art or through communication or through brutal 4 hour
workouts... its safe because we are forcing ourselves to a place of presence.
a shortcut to true stillness?
its no mystery that mindfulness is key to happiness, to real enlightenment...
through this exercise-induced recollection, the other thing i have reaffirmed is that, for those whom find their space in exertion over inertia, it seems as if that is a phenomenon that arises perhaps, because we cannot find that stillness, that space, that singular focus, anywhere else but through movement.
chaos though calm, calm through chaos...i suppose meditation knows no action, really, other than awareness.
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