... upon the realization (after 11 or so failed gmail address recollections ) i couldnt fathom how to access my original blog.. ( given that its been abandoned since march i see it as the universe coersing me towards yet another sense of newness )
need for rebirth becomes most prevalent in the weest of hours.. several levels of progressive alpha wave bliss followed by the deepest delta influx could not quiet my mind tonight.
(... ought be noted i also made valiant effort at faithfully counting my mala beads and practicing several rounds of mindful breathing... )...all irrelevant...
as it simply brought me where i needed to be..
arent we always right where we are supposed to be?
a proposed question that lends many nowist and idealistically minded do-gooders to often reach into the trenches of the subconsciousmind in hopes of grasping some manner of engrained answer from the harvest of thought..
i have no such revelation.
tonight i breathed ... really breathed for the first time in what felt like a year..although my concept of time is questionable at best..what compels us to strive to perpetuate situations that are unhealthy for us?... what drives us to the often unrecognized perception of unworthiness that ultimately unfolds as poor judgment and potentially regressive decisions?
this can be argued two ways.. the first is that we are ever evolving, ever learning, ever drawing closer ( if we are conscious ) to the ultimate enlightenment... truly knowing ourselves, accepting ourselves with unconditional love and a clear minded understanding of what motivates us, what empowers us, how the true meaning of compassion manifests in our actions- and during that process we must undergo many series' of tests, which i suspect, are search party sent out by the soul.
recognizing our mirrors, engaging our duals, and drawing constant retrospect is what lends the will to survive the often intense rounds of retribution we often end up making once hindsight has lent her vision.
the purpose of mindfulness is to never have to consider the existence of hindsight.
i am learning the importance of integrating nowism with responsible and reliable sense of foresight, that can only come from selfawareness and consistent effort.
... the purpose of this first mildly digressive missive was simply to articulate that selfknowledge is curative to poor patterns of behaviour that deviate previously good intentions... to be seduced by the flagrant and indulgent tendencies of ego.
if we are blinded by ourselves than we can never truly see ourselves. even when presented with catalyst-ic gifts of kindred and counter partners.
the second way this could be semantically discoursed is that when we reach a place within ourselves within the universe, wherein we comprehend the aforementioned principles of insightful observation - we may be coming from a place of truth, of authenticity and of compassion, a place that drives us to want to give, selflessly, to put as much goodness out as possible in effort to try and balance the measure of beauty that exists in each and every moment, to give back to that beauty, to pay tribute to the goodness in all by drawing out the goodness in others. living only on the goodness...to a fault.
i have been in this place many times ( ...the universe will keep delivering the same shit to your doorstep, over and over in a different package until you learn how to receive the lesson being delivered within that box of shit ) ... this place where i am learning to come back to myself.
over and over, we must learn to return to ourselves, and its through the lesson of giving too much that i am here in this insomniacmoment...learning to receive...learning to listen to a ruthlesslyrestlessmindintheweedawnminutes... and thefrequencyiamtuningintotellsmethat
regardless of how much we want to see the good in others, we are sometimes simply trying to reflect the good in ourselves. this is inappropriate. its acceptable, and i will continue to love sans-attrition, but it is not the way to wellness... it is not the way to freedom..
we look to others to believe. when we have no faith.
we strive to be seen because we feel invisible.
why are we afraid to be happy?
those are the notions that weave an intricately tailored system of suffering.
do not regress for fear of change. it simply leads you back to the same instance.
love for freedom. and not for security.
doubt not the capacity to be your own salvation.
while you witness yourself... chaos is tempered.
...premise seems so simple - yet lifetimes pass by with masses blind
if inherent truth is an edible concept, breeding arrogance + humility.. the offspring is androgynous.
i want for nothing..i am alive in this moment, all moments prior to this are revelatory triumph on a canvas of empty sky.
package received. pattern broken.
i have seen myself. and i still am.
we are all worthy.
...and so i guess there was a revelation.
Friday, December 3, 2010
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