and so it is... as i sit before 30 feet of sliding glass doors open to the breeze of the carribean sea... and it blows in soft....nonchalantly sweeping away all past moments in its path.
how it is i got so lucky to be in this surreal paradise, private beach villa... warm tropical waters healing all that has ever taken me ill, i will never know.
the belief that the goodness we bestow returns to us manyfold, is no cliche, but i adamantly believe that one must abide by selfless action, giving without the intent to receive in return, indiscriminately delivering goodness and love and fostering fellowship to the masses without expectation for repayment. the universe, she always finds a way to balance... it just so happens that my balance is found in an unrivalled utopian dream amidst turquoise waters and sea air that rebirths, permeates to the core and sets free the intent to ascend.
the peace that sets in as one travels home can only be described as a concept, a quickening and at once a slowing, an awakening of familiarity.
on the edge of civilization, we are cradled by the elements as they bequeath their paradoxal glory in ever tempestuous consistency.
a metaphor for exile this moment wherein i know my purpose. displaced from visceral.
wherein i am bringing thought capital to the table. and a feast of world changing proportions awaits those who choose to dine in silent reverence.
a moment wherein nothing but what i choose to give is ever expected. how blessed.
 i am alone. and never alone. oneness with all. nonduality is not just an ideal.

tornpages vol1

lovelettertomyself.

you're welcome to read mine, but you must commit to writing your own afterwards.

by no stretch of imagination was/is it easy. 

and certainly not easy to do from a place of truth and authentic, non-egoic, self-love

call it an exercise in devotion... reach in and touch that place of juicy gratitude 

for all the wonderous things that make you so entirely beautifully uniquely deliciously you.
talk about the qualities that garner your respect & appreciation for yourself..
deliver yourself love for all the things that you offer so selflessly to the world and to those you love... 

for those things create the warmcentre from which all love and life and joy springs.

somewhere amidst the twilight of fearlessness, our future baits us wtih precision accuracy, like a surgeon, an idealists tool has crafted ploys of possibility in order to drive you towards digression.
hold firm in the moment, be charged with the notion that all will come in its time... the universe bestows her blessings on patience.

10 things you can do to actualize your presence.

1- stop. breathe in.... close your eyes...exhale and smile. :) you are alive.
...conscious breathing deems it as such.
2- look up ...towards the sky, towards a window, towards a loved one. focus on what you see, appreciate its artful relevance to your now.
3- speak aloud the words of freedom, your words. whatsoever your freedom song is.. let it graceyour lips...
i am. it is. and so it shall ever be.
4- imagine all of your moments prior to this, determine them no longer relevant, only brief synopsis on the inside bookjacket-cover of your story.
5- taste something. water, an orange, a tea leaf...whatever is closest to you... take it to your lips and let its flavour inspire your mouth with reverance for its delightful -unique-ness. cinnamon. cherry. vanilla... jasmine...honey.. yum.
the taste of now.
6- sit up straight,  tuck your navel to your spine in the eye of your mind... alignment transcends flesh.
feel the space between your vertebraes... allow the energy to flow between them. a collapsed spine is a collapsed mind.
7- listen to the sound of your in-breath....imagine it is a great wind thats blowing across the planes of a miraculous haven inside your body.
8- place your hand over your heart. feel the warmth from the palm..effortlessly connecting to your core, feel the powerful, never-ceasing rhythm here, the centre of all the universe is born in this space.
9- smile. feel how the simple expression changes the entire composition of your being, lightens it, removes latent negativity, creates an easeful sensation of simplicity that can translate into so many languages. smiles, have no dialect, so much information is carried here... all the purity of life. :)
10- &now that you are present, you can tend to whatever loose end is distracting you from bigger and better progress..

vivalaluz

in seeking no answer will come..one must suffer into the flow of the universal frequency as it does its divine work through us in each moment, capturingour hearts to set free unto the limitless
dissolution of ego, release of former accents, definition...lessening of understanding paves way for greater heart-centric values to take action..
how is it lives perpetuate cyclical branded suffering without the notion of its superb ability to teach us just what we so over-compensating-ly seek
suffer no longer the light has returned. ....retorno de la luz..... and all things become purified, as we've waded long enough..and we've waited through the rough.. ever present faith has brought much clarity to our purpose.
speak now former demons, and seethe your last words as you're unleashed unto ash upon the horizon of a new tomorrow. ...tomorrow is illusory but for the sake of hope we shall still plant its seeds, not in vain,
ive ceased to feel lust in the late spring hours.. ceased to desire for much aside from space in which to breathe... consciously focused on the irreversible in-breath, elevation has no buttons in which to choose a floor.. comfort has no key to open a sliding, locked-down door.
laid out on what seems as if its tragic written fate, i watch the veil release.. unmasking miles of truth..
uncertainty unbinds us.
the path is never hidden, we only must perceive our footing.
emptiness... within...without....encompassing...evacuating...mimicing fullness in the mirror of outworn patterns.
ready to live?

the light has filled the room of your soul... become expanse...intricately simplified...divided and integrated once more.
you are home.

gratitudeglossary..108measuresofgrace

inspired by the whiff of a dream, recurring, only to show me there is nowhere to go.. each time i am hustling to catch some modeoftransport...struggling to make it onboard, outbound, onwards towards somewhere continuously undefined, elusive, without a passport. there's nowhere to go in the late hours of april...yet gratitude rises, springing eternal as the tiniest bulbs sprout forth their brave blossomsuntothelight...



gratitude for the inbetween moments where i am silently camped out,incubating elevating, dialating my awareness...
gratitude for neverceasing desire to do good. give more than i have, debate reason w/my ego.
gratitude for opportunity, however tiny, & gratitude for the ability to recognize & appreciate it
gratitude for excess for it teaches humility through it's painful lessons
gratitude for removing the metal cage around the heart...for busting open the 4thcentre... for its past-life reprieve, for understanding and consequent releasefrommysamsara
gratitude for the warriors on my side, your bravery inspires me to continue, your love empowers
gratitude for forgiveness, for releasing baggage and distended systems of belief, simplification is blissful
gratitude for listless moments..never idle...stillyetmoving..
gratitude for small comforts, icing sugaredcookies, blueskiesfortellingpromise, tiny purple flowers & mossy barked trees, gratitude for tea in the late afternoon
gratitude for listening, for the ability to empathize, understanding can be the element that saves a troubled soul
gratitude for laughter its miraculous release, its ability to pervade circumstance and shift all to higher ground
gratitude for not knowing, in the state of confusion, surrendering w/non-action we discover the flow
gratitude for abundance, its measure is limitless, its wealth is in the moments that we truly know joy
gratitude for redemption, each man deserves to sing his song of freedom
gratitude for sleeping jade-wearing kittens, purring happily at one's side, quiet company for the sleepless.

gracecount:32

tbc...

i never knew the nuances of suffering as a blossoming lotus to be adored.
always fought against them as reflexwould have us do...yet to disobey instinct often allows for the sweetest scents of new adventure..alotting for excess has no principle in the divine... moderation in our joy..in our sadness..calculated...uncalculated...balance.

i wait for something in muted evenings..under covers lucidlysedated by the season's shift.. some manner of numbness grasps and we yet seek more of the same..and long to awash on the shores of purified perspective..standing on the edge of evolution travellinginstillness through cyclicalpersistentpurposeful reprieve and restraint.

the moment, is it missed when we ponder it too loosely, divulge its splendor without graciousness to its art... ?..we can be crass in our seeming awareness..
i petition for a renaissance in grace.
symbiosisw/quietknowing, demure&genuine... so much talk about revolution.. about truth... in so many decorateddialects... delivered with too much ego.
sell me instead an effortlessly graceful perception. one that's scent lingers as it floats by...
delivering weighted messages of adoration w/the simplistic beauty of suffering's blossoming lotus.

Retaining a forthright attitude t’ward freedom, instead of consistently battling for the upperhand yields that much more in reward come lesson’s harvest.

The knowledge that we think we have a handle on, the wisdom that we proclaim to have earned, forget it, respectfully surrender to the notion that in the larger scheme, we are limitless in possibility, thus we are limited by strictfastholding to perspective.

I allow the infinite to flow through me when I give up seeking and remember that I am found, I only lose myself over and over again for the heart quickening notion of coming back full circle..

Somehow in that process we all become blinded, it’s a natural response...  devouring clues as if we are deciphering some cosmic mystery that in fact is laid out right under our steps.

We build bridges to close the gaps to our truth.

And we cross them cautiously, when more intrinsic abundance is found in the jump from them.

Renaissance ideals deliver conquest that has no meaning, 

a meaningful journey is not a conquest but a simple awakening.

what is it about sustaining this notion that is so elusive?

onewondersonewonderonesweetworld.pt.d

polaritiesshift... consistentlypersistentresistance to traditional ideals... in the interim between revelations wandering becomes wondering.. and in wonder, there is no answer.
wonderment though, is freshfaced hero, designing inspired worlds to coerse you t'ward happiness.. delivery from the mundane by deciphering the mystery of its glory,
retract your acceptance of ordinary, replenish its definition..
call out the details that distract you from progress and explore their ability to decode the solution.
trafficking beliefs is for the weak.
truthisnotastockoption.
providespacefortheperceptionsthatwillfree....

movingthemovementmanifesto#216

triathalon for the soul begins with a step into the present. a forgiveness..awakening, not foretold....experiential coersion..everrevealinginstance.
can you confront that which binds you to all that restraint?
unleash to live for something, in confident altruism... itleadsthelighttoigniteyourdarkness...
mayyou not uphold darkness & fear
when twilight signals retrospect
come clean
ready to begin?
unravelyourego.
that which binds each to each is also that which is but an illusion
i await i.
grieve not those negative words that saw you embarkoninsecurity...be woven anew with no whiff of tragedy.
iam.
beautiful,
wise,
temptedbyescape...rootedinpurposefuldestinationlessness.

learning the wisdom that's ingrained into the body at a cellular level.....howsicknessmanifests from ego&illwill...stuntedevolution... lifetimes of memory kept catalogued within dna ...asphyxiated by inability to retreat to the inner-world..our bodiesmapourjourneyacrosstheunknown..insidethem
cinematiclike dances of insight weave us blessings to exonerate us from ourselves.
amazing how simple a concept it is that we are love from the start... yet without first reaching within tounleash deep compassion for our perceived glitsches and imperfections we remain paralyzed and shackled to a projected ideal set in place by the ego to deceive and perpetuate our suffering...
in a place of ego we can never truly love ourselves as we lack the fundamental will to truly see ourselves..blinded by expectation.
in absentia from true nature we do not understand love.
dont fear the journey of surrender....the notion of being destinationless is a difficult dream to let die. become liberated from.
witnessing in loving acceptance, we become safe in the moment. present in authenticity.
in love there is no destination.
compassion is the only action deliveringfreedom.
in a braveactofunconditionallove.in this midnight...with newly articulated wounds taking up residence in my organs, i shall cultivate the wisdom that's layed out before me..by compassionately diving into the pain.
its through continued oftenseeming incessant strife that we are forced to learn how to truly live...

onewondersonewonderonesweetworld.pt.c

...as related to an earlier chat discussing the notion of 'mirth.'
my favorite or...perhaps least contrived or trite sounding intepretation is something like this:
merriment generated by people who are hearty, generous, benevolent...
spontaneous amusement or gaiety, manifested briefly in laughter: uncontrolled outbursts

frolic
effervescence
...often exceeding the limits of reason or propriety.
a conceptbest leftunfettered by expectationoranticipation.  
i lay in the aftermath of some such merrimentmanifest, postsnowyfrolic...ingratefulawe... w/such profound, astound @ all that is.. the intricate uni-leveraging art of each moment as it miraculously encircles our awareness...penetrating once we have given way to recognition... arisestomeetwonder...there are no ordinary moments.. there are no untapped instances in the true sense of being inspired inrealtime...by life as it speeds by, leaving none unafflicted. yet masses still missing the moment. 
do we adjust our speed in/when/whilst becoming present?
its the notion of becoming unencumbered by the wisdom of now that leads wandering hearts to anchor.
be still, and the art of stillness shall save you from fleeting notions of destination.
i am destinationless.
..&in an agonizing instant, realizing the breadth of the lessons that are to be now confronted have made their own journey here through attachment...detachment...dismissal...digression...diligence. 
seems mirth has another purpose beyond deliveringdiscretionlesssmilesandlovingreprievefrommundane...
...to blossom forth purposefulpain in its wake, thedarkcosmicfireywrenchinggrowthinducingpainthatdrivesevolution.
perhapsbenevolencewillrisetothechallengeagain.
in the meantime. iam.

still.

&howeverlackingreason&propriety.meetingdarknessw/light.

tbcw/p4

 

unleashingoldbaggage.

hard to define the immeasurable majesty of descending through subtle worlds from 30,000ft.
remarkable realms of clouds that seeming assuredly contain yet the gods of ages past, wandering, dispersed...
( much is a blur the hours leading up to the moment when i plunged for the first time into the carribean sea... mouth full of salt, heart near to exploding with joy....)
...the vibe in cancun was that of urban sprawl personified...a concrete jungle of all inclusive resorts...the biggest starbucks i have ever seen... corporate domination is indescriminate...
backroads of poverty and a cultural difference that makes a weeblonde canadian girl remarkably evermore grateful for the lifestyle by which i was raised.
shoeless children kicking cans in the dirt...leglesswomen with cups seeking change..
never gets any easier for me to endure the reality of human suffering...empath's plight.
.. i am learning how to build blocks without putting up walls.. but compassion is key to evolution.. so i yet struggle for the balance.
i dozed in and out of jetlagged consciousness as i was driven to the soundtrack of bad 80's music...barry manilow etc... the 90 minutes it took us to get back to tulum... mayan riviera is akin to bali in the 70's so i am told.
down a 5mile road with no lights..
arrived at the mayan retreat that is to be my home for the next 15days.
crashed to the roar of ocean
cut to this morning
light rain...
the parrots here are very effusive in speech..
the vibe is lax. and eclectic mix of people makes it feel very homelike to me, cultural diversity is underrated.
&the magical mystery tour a-la-helengoldstein begins...
50peso cab ride into tulum finds us wandering the dirt sidestreets to find a shaman who helen's scheduled to be @ for 10am.

she performed a powerful ceremony....in front of an altar... 3 eggs... singingbowl...and very strong intent.
feasibly to determine energetic imbalances..blockages...etc...
the smoke from the resin incense ....filled the room loaning transcendental nuances to the 15minute ritual.
spoken entirely in spanish yet little is lost in translation concerning the power of prayer..
for confidentiality's sake details will be limited.. 
cracked eggs in glasses of water reveal whats to be worked on..
she prescribed a hawaiian mantra used to cut old ties, patterns of behaviour, residual energy from past relationships....

im thinking of it as a prayer to release baggage

visualize what it is, who it is, where it is that needs cleansing, renewal, release
a pair of scissors in your left hand and a torch in the other...
...see yourself cutting the ties with the left, applying fire with the right.

Ho'oponopono mantra 

"I am sorry
forgive me
I love you 
and I thank you"

im sorry. forgive me. i love you. and thank you. im sorry forgive me. i love you. and thank you. once a day, for 45 days. minimum.

the view from where i sit is lush,rustic,i feel like ive been here for years. mexican time is like comparing human to dog years... everything takes 8 times longer than what's typical.. although as i am discovering the nicest cultural difference thus far... that many peeps would appreciate..
is that business meetings seem to  be an average of 15 min long.
who wouldnt dig that.

onewondersonewonderonesweetworld.pt.b

... truth being a concept i refuse to spoonfeed to any given entity, save myself sometimes ironically).. that's where the notion of our mirrors in the world enter one supposes..
i can only rightly say that having been awake, truly awake, in the consciousness sense for longer than i slept during my years in this incarnation, i am still baffled ( poor context? ) by the vast array of uniform blur that seems to exist in the peripherals around the concept of truth. by all stretches it could be proposed that truth is a subjective claim, much like all else, thus subject to interpretation and the only true reality... perception. peeps aint really that blind are they? not really that ignorant or lacking the openmindedness to learn?.. ( willingness is another subject altogether )
although idealist that i am, i much prefer to believe that beings have predisposition to being born with inherent understanding of the ultimate concept of truth, and spend often, lifetimes learning information that really is of little consequence to true happiness..and thus upon the proverbial awakening.. then have to unlearn so much of the blatantly useless information that hogs precious mindscape realestate.. leaving little room for expansion much less the breadth of a concept so vast that its presence renders some perpetually unable to progress due to the chaos that ensues when knowledge around the infinite is not appropriately managed.
in any case, truth be told, it is that notion, that keeps anexpanseconsciousmindscapesawakeinweehoursdreaming...spinning the wheels. i have had some formal mindfulness training, with some skilled leaders in that venue of thinking... yet still... technological advances in entraining the frequencies of the mind... substancesthatprovokemeditativestates...and even forgiveness..does not let one sleep who's shrouded in fire.
give me one more moment to subdue lest sacrifice becomes imminent.
..ever awakened by the beauty that is all... blinded by the art of life.
tbcw/p3

onewondersonewonderonesweetworld.pt.a

11.15.111215am
moments of circumnavigational reprieve lead one to believe... or speculate ...though i am not fond of the notion of speculation as i believe its essence is rooted in a fundamental negative nuance that disproportions the weight of chance.
it eludes to assumption.. redolent of grey area...the woulds and shoulds and coulds of negative emotional programming.. ought is a word ive been seeming intrinsically replacing in the vocab, where the shoulds typically pointillate articulations,  one day the elimination of all resonance of should will fill my universewquiet sense of resolute purpose.
until discovery of such term..ought ought to do.
ought to get closer to a point. w/outdigressions pointillating..
subconsciously compiling an almanac of spurious actions projected by a specific species of seekers.
iniquities abound often in the most spiritual of sanctums. we ought'nt judge for the notion of unique challenges and the dutiful openheartedness of a bodhisattvatempered outlook leads one to empathy.
forever perceiving innate truths in all is a tough gig. esp. when uncalled upon or leading to distraction of purpose and frustration of priority..a tough gig but someones gotta execute.
bigworldchangingideas take root in the truth. ....tbcw/ptb

..5 am tangent takers take notes /mantras for a new renaissance : rebirth edition

... upon the realization (after 11 or so failed gmail address recollections ) i couldnt fathom how to access my original blog.. ( given that its been abandoned since march i see it as the universe coersing me towards yet another sense of newness )
need for rebirth becomes most prevalent in the weest of hours.. several levels of progressive alpha wave bliss followed by the deepest delta influx could not quiet my mind tonight.
(...  ought be noted i also made valiant effort at faithfully counting my mala beads and practicing several rounds of mindful breathing... )...all irrelevant...
as it simply brought me where i needed to be..
arent we always right where we are supposed to be?
a proposed question that lends many nowist and idealistically minded do-gooders to often reach into the trenches of the subconsciousmind in hopes of grasping some manner of engrained answer from the harvest of thought..
i have no such revelation.

tonight i breathed ... really breathed for the first time in what felt like a year..although my concept of time is questionable at best..what compels us to strive to perpetuate situations that are unhealthy for us?... what drives us to the often unrecognized perception of unworthiness that ultimately unfolds as poor judgment and potentially regressive decisions?
this can be argued two ways.. the first is that we are ever evolving, ever learning, ever drawing closer ( if we are conscious ) to the ultimate enlightenment... truly knowing ourselves, accepting ourselves with unconditional love and a clear minded understanding of what motivates us, what empowers us, how the true meaning of compassion manifests in our actions- and during that process we must undergo many series' of tests, which i suspect, are search party sent out by the soul.
recognizing our mirrors, engaging our duals, and drawing constant retrospect is what lends the will to survive the often intense rounds of retribution we often end up making once hindsight has lent her vision.
the purpose of mindfulness is to never have to consider the existence of hindsight.
i am learning the importance of integrating nowism with responsible and reliable sense of foresight, that can only come from selfawareness and consistent effort.
... the purpose of this first mildly digressive missive was simply to articulate that selfknowledge is curative to poor patterns of behaviour that deviate previously good intentions... to be seduced by the flagrant and indulgent tendencies of ego.
if we are blinded by ourselves than we can never truly see ourselves. even when presented with catalyst-ic gifts of kindred and counter partners.

the second way this could be semantically discoursed is that when we reach a place within ourselves within the universe, wherein we comprehend the aforementioned principles of insightful observation - we may be coming from a place of truth, of authenticity and of compassion, a place that drives us to want to give, selflessly, to put as much goodness out as possible in effort to try and balance the measure of beauty that exists in each and every moment, to give back to that beauty, to pay tribute to the goodness in all by drawing out the goodness in others. living only on the goodness...to a fault.
i have been in this place many times ( ...the universe will keep delivering the same shit to your doorstep, over and over in a different package until you learn how to receive the lesson being delivered within that box of shit ) ... this place where i am learning to come back to myself.
over and over, we must learn to return to ourselves, and its through the lesson of giving too much that i am here in this insomniacmoment...learning to receive...learning to listen to a ruthlesslyrestlessmindintheweedawnminutes... and thefrequencyiamtuningintotellsmethat
regardless of how much we want to see the good in others, we are sometimes simply trying to reflect the good in ourselves. this is inappropriate. its acceptable, and i will continue to love sans-attrition, but it is not the way to wellness... it is not the way to freedom..
we look to others to believe. when we have no faith.
we strive to be seen because we feel invisible.
why are we afraid to be happy?
those are the notions that weave an intricately tailored system of suffering.
do not regress for fear of change. it simply leads you back to the same instance.
love for freedom. and not for security.
doubt not the capacity to be your own salvation.
while you witness yourself... chaos is tempered.

...premise seems so simple - yet lifetimes pass by with masses blind
if inherent truth is an edible concept, breeding arrogance + humility.. the offspring is androgynous.
..balance.

i want for nothing..i am alive in this moment, all moments prior to this are revelatory triumph on a canvas of empty sky.
package received. pattern broken.
i have seen myself. and i still am.
we are all worthy.
...and so i guess there was a revelation.

besos y abrazos-frigidfebruary

i have been blessed with the opportunity to take the equivalent of moderndayswappersdream -
a freetrip, during one of the coldest winters inrecent memory..to the mayan riviera.
inexchange for my creativebrain.
mission: re-branding a yoga-resort...
namasteuniverse.
 i would say my little kitten mengmeng has her own opinion on the excursion...but she'll get over it.
...seems like what writers ought do, is document
so it starts here..first leg=TO-->washingtonDC